What Do I Do Now?

The Big "C" Isn't Cancer

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was dumbfounded to say the least.  I just really didn't expect it.  I knew I had a lump, I could feel it.  Yet you just don't expect to hear those words, "You have cancer."

The thing which struck me first & most was the thought of my children having to grow up without their mother.  What was I going to tell them?

The next was coming face to face with my own mortality.  Was I going to die?  Why was I going to die?  Wasn't there still a lot God was going to use me for?  Had I completed my purpose in Him?  Was I going to die before my time (it sure felt like it)?

No, the Big "C" for me wasn't cancer, it was CRISIS...as in a crisis of faith.  Doubt poured in like a river and I felt lost; lost about why this was happening and lost about what to do next.

I went through the next few weeks like a zombie.  I barely remember the conversations with the breast surgeon, although she always tried to show compassion and offer hope.  Whatever she said I needed to do, that is what I was going to do.  I needed to have a lumpectomy or mastectomy to survive?  Okay.  I need to make an immediate decision?  Okay.  I should see if I have the breast cancer gene for my children's sake?  Okay.  It was all a daze.

But somehow, I woke up one day in the hospital recovery room, having gone through the lumpectomy.   Is cancer behind me?  No.  We have to make sure that I had "clear margins".  In other words, they had to make sure that they had cut out all of the cancer in the surgery.  If not, I would have to undergo surgery again.  And by the way, a friend of mine (who had the same doctor) was going through this at the same time and she did require another immediate lumpectomy.  The hard-cold reality of this disease is starting to wake me out of my daze.

The breast surgeon also shares with me that she wants to put me on Tamoxifen after my chemo sessions are over, in order to help reduce the chance of a breast cancer recurrence.  I would be on this drug for several years.  Okay doctor.  Yet, my mother - who has been discussing my situation with her own doctor - mentions that one of the side effects of Tamoxifen is uterine cancer.  WHAT???!!!!  The treatment they want to give me for my cancer can cause cancer?  I am really starting to wake up now.

Given clear margins by the breast surgeon, I go to meet the oncologist, who tells me that he wants to fight this aggressively based on the type of breast cancer I have.  He also says that I will see a radiologist after my chemo treatments with him so that I can receive radiation to the breast.  However, before that, we need to scan my body to see if cancer has spread anywhere else.  Huh???  Wait!!  Shouldn't we have done that at the beginning, before I had the lumpectomy?  I guess not.  Okay doctor.

Unfortunately, they find another tumor on my ovaries and my cancer tumor markers for ovarian cancer are high.  The oncologist now needs to refer me to another specialist, a gynecological oncologist, to treat that part of my body.  Mind you, we are at this point less than 2 months in from my original diagnosis, and less than 1 month from my lumpectomy. 

I meet with the gynecological oncologist who tells me that I need a complete hysterectomy to remove my ovaries and uterus in order to remove any chance of cancer developing there.  This procedure will send me into immediate menopause, for which he says he can prescribe drugs to help mitigate the symptoms.   I am now fully awake and realize that I cannot just shuffle through this experience "following doctor's orders".  I needed to start thinking critically about these options.

I am not saying that any of these doctors were unprofessional or trying to do me harm.  They were trying to steer me down the road they honestly believed was best for me.  What I am trying to point out is that once cancer is diagnosed, things begin to happen fast and the pressure is ON.  You are really not given time to think as every decision is a life or death decision that has to be made at that moment (it seems).  I was being shuffled around from doctor to doctor to discuss multiple surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation within a matter of weeks, which would dramatically change the quality of my life. 

And let me tell you, everyone has advise about what you should do.  Medical professionals, laymen, family, friends, even strangers!  There came a time when I had to simply stop following advise and put on my own thinking cap, or rather, my prayer cap.  It is not that I wasn't praying, but it is about the content of  my prayers.  My assumption was that the doctors knew what they were doing and I should follow their advise to a "T". 

As we approached the day for my first chemo session, my husband asked, "Are you okay with this?"  I answered, "God has not told me to do the chemo and He has not told me not to.  But I need to do anything I can to fight this disease."

And then it hit me; I had never asked the Lord what I should do.  So, I did.  I asked God whether moving forward with chemo and radiation was what I was supposed to do.  And I heard nothing...until the next day.  That day, another friend of my who was dealing with a recurrence of cancer was admitted to the hospital.  Her immune system had been so devastated by the chemo she had undergone years before and was currently undergoing again, that she was desperately weak and sick.  The doctors knew her system couldn't take much more, but there was no other treatment they could offer.

Once I got off of the phone with her, God began to confirm for me what I needed to do in my situation.  He told me that He did not want me to proceed with chemo and radiation, but that I was to take a natural treatment for this disease.  I had no idea what that meant at the time, "natural treatment", but I obeyed. 

I told my oncologists that I would not be having additional surgeries nor would I be taking chemo or radiation.  They did not understand this decision and tried ardently to get me to change my mind.  But, having heard from the Lord, I finally had peace.  As long as I was in His hands, and knew what He wanted me to do, then I knew I was doing the right thing.  Even as they repeatedly told me that I would die, I learned to trust God in a way that I simply hadn't before.  What remained was a tremendous and glorious journey in faith which strengthened my own relationship with the Lord as well as that of others in our lives.

If there is any wisdom I would offer for people dealing with cancer is that this is a time like no other where you need to hear from the Lord.  Medical professionals mean well, and you should certainly work with them to treat this disease.  However, do not make the mistake of following blindly down a path assuming that someone else's recommendations are "What saith the Lord".   Only God is God, and He is waiting to direct you in all things, if you let Him.

Your biggest "C" you are confronted with in this ordeal may be a crisis of faith.  What to believe?  Who to follow?  Who to listen to?  I pray that it will be the Lord.

"Who hath believed our report? And to whom is the arm of the LORD revealed?" Isaiah 53:1

I hope you are encouraged by this Ron Kenoly song, "Whose Report Shall You Believe?"



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